I think if you look a little deeper many swingers aren’t totally honest about their ‘relationships’ with their ‘friends with benefits’.

On a few occasions I’ve seen so called ‘experienced’ swingers totally besotted with one couple or another. I won’t say who because they are respected friends of ours and don’t deserve public criticism. But their infatuation is obvious from a long way off.

I suppose the point I am getting to is to draw a clear distinction between polyamory and swinging is misleading for many people. I’m not so sure I would draw the long bow and group polyamory along with soul mates.

We have friends who are in polyamorous relationships and for them at least there is a big difference between the sort of relationships we have as swingers and the sort of relationships we have that don’t involve sex.

The distinguishing feature we’ve found is that in a polyamorous relationship is a level of commitment that isn’t present otherwise.

In our opinion a swinger is like a kiwi (the bird) – eats roots and leaves. THe ‘relationship’ can satisfactorily end when everyone is sexually sated.

A friend is a friend as long as circumstances permit it. Friends come and go depending on life circumstances.

A partner in a polyamorous relationship is a committed partner. They have manye lement sin common that a married couple have e.g. shared parenting (often but not necessarily) and a degree of exclusivity, e.g. you don’t have to be a swinger to be polyamorous, in some cases quite the opposite.

For example, for us to have sex with our poly friends, we have to have the assent of all four people in the other relationship, not just the two as is normally the case.

Anyway that’s my two bob’s worth.

BTW Ian I love your site and podcast, I just wish I had more time to spend here.

I am a person who believes that each individual has several “soul mates” for the different stages and circumstances in their lives. I have a strong, almost psychic connection with my mom. If I think “I could really use Mom’s advice right now.” while I’m contemplating a decision, 90% of the time she’ll call me that day.

I have a stronger, though not psychically connected, bond with my sister. We know what each other are thinking with just one glance. We share thoughts without trying. We are two people who couldn’t be any more different (physically, emotionally, academically) but we share so many similarities that the average person would not recognize, because we never have to express them.

My best friend and I share a special bond .. one formed by instant knowledge that we would be best friend, and forged by years of trials and tribulations that moved us physically farther and farther away, but emotionally closer every year. Any dismal feeling I am having can be cured almost instantly by a hug from her. She’s the one person that knows every facet of my being and still loves me, still understands me, and still stands by me. I hide nothing from her.

My first love and I shared the purest love two lovers could experience. We had passion and purity all rolled into one. We never experienced a physical connection beyond kissing, despite our age-appropriateness. Our relationship did not survive because I was not strong enough to resist the bearing-down of my parents. I was still a naive an “obedient” daughter, though I was trying to move out (I was 17) and move on with my life. He met & married another woman, who understood the bond he and I have together and welcomed me into her home for several extended-weekend stays. To this day, he knows what I’m thinking just by the sound of my voice, and vice versa.

These people are just a few examples of the soul mates in my life. They all provide emotional connections I need in my life, in addition to my “relationship.” To remove any one would be to break down the intricate emotional structure I have developed over time. It is easy to add to the mix, but not to take away.

Why did I say all of this? Because I feel that while there is nothing wrong with Polyamore , the connections and love that people in the Polyamore communities are looking for can be found in friendships and relationships that do NOT resemble a second marriage or extramarital affair.

Having said this, I believe that if anyone is going to seek a relationship of any sort outside of their marriage, they should do so openly and with the blessing of their partner in life. To do so in any other arrangement is disgusting, vile, and unnecessary.

I will apologize now if my words are jumbled or my thoughts disconnected. I’ve only had two hours of sleep in the last 48, and I am trying to go to sleep now because I work in 6 hours. I just couldn’t leave this blog without adding to it though.

xo